No fake fitting-in.
If you’ve spent your life “fitting in,” you probably have a lot of friends who only like a version of you that doesn’t actually exist. You have “masked” friendships—connections built on a foundation of performance, where the moment you stop “acting normal,” the connection starts to fail.
That’s not friendship; it’s a job. And for an AuDHD brain, it’s a job with zero benefits, no sick leave, and extremely high burnout rates.
We’re done with that.
Belonging isn’t about fitting. Fitting is changing your shape to match the jagged hole of a room. Belonging is finding (or building) a room that already fits your native settings. This is a guide on how to stop performing and start connecting—without the filtering, the apology, or the fake fitting-in.
Section 1: The Real-Life Problem (The Social Mismatch)
Most AuDHD adults are terrified that if they stop “fitting in,” they’ll be alone. The fear is visceral. So they continue to attend shallow happy hours, participate in grueling small talk they hate, and ignore their sensory redlines just to stay “in the group.”
The result? You’re lonely even when you’re with people. You’re lonely because the person they are talking to isn’t you; it’s a script you wrote to keep them from being uncomfortable. You are trading your soul for proximity, butproximity is not intimacy.
Section 2: Why It Happens (The Rejection Sensitivity Loop)
For many of us, the nervous system views social rejection as a survival threat. When you “fail” a social cue or act “weird,” your body triggers a panic response. Masking is the manual override you use to stop that panic.
To build real friendships, you have to break that loop. You have to be okay with being “too much” for the wrong people so you can be “exactly right” for the ones who actually speak your language. You have to move from Survival Masking to Authentic Agency.
Section 3: Leviticus Take (The Connection Framework)
I view friendship as an exchange of values, reliability, and data transparency. If the cost of maintaining the connection is my sensory or cognitive safety, the trade is no longer profitable. I don’t need a hundred “acquaintances”; I need three people who understand that if I go non-verbal during a movie or leave a party at 9 PM without saying goodbye, it isn’t an insult—it’s a protocol.
The Strategy:
- Explicit Deployment: Tell people your “operating instructions” before the crisis hits. “I am a high-fidelity friend, but I am a low-frequency communicator. I will rarely call, but I will reply to a long text within 24 hours with 100% honesty.”
- Activity-Based Connection: Structure is the best buffer. Focus on shared interests (gaming, deep-tech, music production) over “just hanging out.” Structure reduces social ambiguity and allows for deep focus connection.
- The Transparency Test: If you can’t tell a friend that you’re currently in a sensory deficit, they aren’t a “close” friend yet.
Section 4: Riot Take (The Radical Intensity)
For me, it’s about the intensity of the vibe and the high-vibration energy. I want friends who don’t tone-police me and who celebrate my “too muchness.” I’m not too much; the room is just underbuilt. Real friends are the ones who help you build the bigger room.
The Truth:
- If you have to apologize for your stims or your enthusiasm, they aren’t your people.
- Friendship should be the one place where you don’t have to run a script. It should be the place where the “Social API” is disabled.
- Authentic connection is loud, it’s messy, and it’s beautiful. If they want the “polite” version of you, they can hire a receptionist.
Section 5: Where We Disagree
Leviticus: I recommend maintaining a broad network of “API” level acquaintances through strategic adaptation. You don’t have to be authentic with everyone to benefit from the social and professional data they provide.
Riot: I disagree. Acquaintances who require performance are the biggest drain on the energy budget. I’d rather have two ride-or-die people who know the 100% unmasked me than a fifty “network” connections who think I’m “a bit quirky but okay.” Cut the dead weight to save the engine.
Section 6: Shared Practical Framework (The Belonging Test)
We both agree that you need an audit for your connections. Before you invest more energy, run this test:
1. The Post-Event Check
After spending time with them, do you feel “buzzed” or “drained”? If you’re consistently hitting a system shutdown after seeing a specific “friend,” you were likely masking the entire time. That connection is costing you too much.
2. The “Hard Truth” Script Injection
Try telling them one small, unmasked truth about your needs. “Actually, the lighting in this place is making it really hard for me to think. Can we move?” Watch their reaction. If they judge you or call you “difficult,” they aren’t your people. If they immediately help you find a better chair, they are.
3. Parallel Play as a Valid Mode
Real friends can sit in the same room for three hours, doing completely different things, in total silence, and feel closer than they would after a three-course dinner. If they can’t handle “Parallel Play,” they might be too high-demand for your budget.
4. The Anti-Masking Social Contract
Before you build a deep friendship, establish the “New Baseline” contract:
- No eye contact required.
- Stimming is encouraged.
- Zero-pressure exits (you can leave at any time without an excuse).
- Honest “no” is preferred over a polite “maybe.”
Section 7: Scripts for Social Agency
Declining a “Fitting-in” invitation
“I’ve realized that [X environment] really drains my sensory budget, and I’m focusing on events that match my settings better. I won’t be joining the group for the club tonight, but I’m 100% down for a quiet coffee or a deep-dive hang next week.”
When setting a “No-Small-Talk” boundary
“I have a very low bandwidth for pleasantries today, but I’m really curious about that project you mentioned. Can we skip the ‘how are yous’ and get directly to the interesting part?”
If You Only Do 3 Things
- No fake fitting-in. If the room doesn’t fit the protagonist, the protagonist leaves the room.
- Belong on your own settings. Your “people” are the ones who don’t ask you to change your volume or your intensity to make them comfortable.
- Party smart, recover smarter. Build your inner circle with people who will sit in silence with you when the social debt is being paid.
Stop fitting. Start belonging. Build the room.